it is towards paradise i run, and the wolf howls in the night

tale of a human heart

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 23:38:33 GMT

I typed this up earlier at work using Word, since we aren't allowed to use the internet for anything that isn't work-related. So typed it there, printed it out and brought it home with me to put here.

The human heart. Just like the winds of a tornado, it too cannot be controlled. Our hearts make their own choices in life, and those choices in turn affect us. The heart has a mind of its own, doing what it feels is best for us. We are not able to tell it who to fall in love with and who not to. That would just make life easy, and we all know by now that life does not come easy, especially the truly worthwhile endeavors.

So why is it that now my heart has decided to react again? I've not felt this way in 4 years, and those of you who've known me that long know who and what I am referring to. Those who don't, long story short, I'm talking about an ex of mine, who I cared for deeply. I'll admit that I did indeed have some feelings for Jess, my recent ex. But none like this. These I've only felt with Tracy, and no one else. So why now? I've met someone who would be a great match for me I feel, but there are 2 circumstances that are preventing me from doing anything: distance and age. It's odd though. I've only known her for a month, and yet we both trust each other a fair bit it seems. I don't think I've ever opened up and trusted a person so much so fast. All I know is that there is a light of some sort there that is drawing me to her, and a desire to know more. I don't wish to go into too many details here, for I don't want the entire public to know everything about it. I just need to vent this out. IM me if you really want to know the rest of the details. Mophead and Meyo, you already know all about this, and I thank you for listening to me an being there for me last night. I needed to hear some of the things you had to say.

So hopefully I'll have this human heart thing figured out soon. Maybe there is more to it than we already know about, and maybe even a way of controlling it more. For the time being, I think I'm just going to follow the path I see to be the right one. We know not what the future hold for any of us, nor where we will end up in this life. So I guess the best thing is to sit back and see how things go, and how we wish to respond to that which happens to us. And maybe one day, it will all be worth it, and the goal we were striving for will become reality. All I know is what my heart tells me to be true, and what it feels is right.

questions answered

Thu, 25 May 2006 02:03:08 GMT

I'd like to start this out by saying that I was pretty much forced into doing this. But i'll do it, cuz some of these questions are decent ones. But don't no one ask me for questions. I just ain't good at doin it. So Aila, enjoy the answers. You know that i only answer in truth and from the heart.

1. What is something you feel that people should never forget about themselves?
-Who they truly are and what they believe in. It's shocking sometimes how easily those 2 things can be forgotten, and yet they are so very important to our very being and existance

2. Have you ever wanted to go into space?
-When I was younger I did. Lindsay wants to tho, and become an astronaut at that. But now all I want to do is to be able to fly through the sky

3. Do you meditate?
-not really. Unless you want to consider me walking around the apartment complex talking to myself in order to organize some thoughts a form of meditation.

4. Define yor spirit.
-you already know about it, but i'll define it for others reading it. I believe that there is an animal spirit within each and every one of us Besides my human spirit, there is an equally strong spirit of a wolf within me. I don't know why a wolf, but I can sense it there in me, guiding me. Wolves are like a kindred brethren to me

5. What is the one thing you live for, like if it was threatened to be taken away, it would break your heart?
-more like a group. my friends and family; those close to me in life. I live to see them happy, and I wish to do all that I can in order to see them happy. no matter what the personal sacrifice, if a friend or family member was in trouble, I would rush to help them. It is those who are close to me that helped me become the person I am today, and I am very proud of that person, so it is almost like a personal debt to those people

I got the letter M

Mon, 01 May 2006 23:42:51 GMT

I got the letter M

Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation with what the word means to you and why, then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

Matlack - my last name!
Mice - the six little stuffed ones I have, all of which are a different color
Manchester - the street I used to live on in Burlington
Mirrorpane - One of the kinds of glass that we cut at Old Castle
Music - something that I cannot live my life without
Mouse - as in the awesome mouse I have for my computer that controls my media!!
Moyer - Dude at work that got me upstairs and is a pretty cool guy all told
Masonite - one of the several types of patterns we get at work from customers
Marble - My old cat when we lived in Burlington
Models - as in the models I make from anime; primarily Gundam and Zoid models

What the hell and why not

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 22:38:34 GMT

I've pretty much moved off of Livejournal and over to Myspace. Here's the link:

Onwards to the Myspace account

Anyways, Comfort put this up, so i figured I would too. couldn't hurt. One last post here I guess. So enjoy it people

1. screen name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. weirdest food you like:
14. do farts make you laugh:
TOTALLY OPTIONAL!: Your height and weight:

RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:

PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. Optional: POST A PICTURE OF you:

quiz update

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 03:29:18 GMT

was on quizilla earlier killing some time, and found this quiz. it's detailed, it's good, and it's recommended by me. It was fun. So do it. even if it's just for the hell of it. You'll enjoy it

Metal is a unique Element; strong and unyielding

yet flexible and diverse as well. Metal

Elemental individuals reflect this in their

unique and pragmatic outlook on life. They

are possessed by frugality, never willing to

spend more than is necessary, whether the

cost is money, time, or something else. They

are also somewhat minimalist because of this,

choosing their ideas and items based on

practicality rather than style or appearance.

They have a very powerful will, usually

manifesting itself as duty and honor;

promises made to others take precedence over

all else. They are also capable of changing

and adapting to a wide range of situations or

environments, but this adaptation is often

not caused by their own decisions. Metal

individuals sometimes come to adopt the

ideals, styles, and mannerisms of those

around them, without even noticing or

understanding why. They express themselves

through manual creativity, becoming highly

inclined toward machines and technology, as

well as being able to create arts and crafts

with their hands.

What is your dominant Element? (A serious personality test, for a change)
brought to you by Quizilla

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:54:04 GMT

To hell with a subject. This is a just because. I know i haven't updated in so damn long. but whatever. I've told many people about what the hell is goin on in life right now and what has happened in the past. If anyone wants to find out more than what I've told them, then ask. I honestly don't remember who I've told what anymore.

Anyways, not the point of this little update. This is to say thank you to someone. Someone who happens to mean quite a bit to me. My friend, this is for you. This is going to remain anonymous for now until the very end. You'll know who you are by then. Guaranteed. You've stuck by my side for so long now, it really does shock me sometimes. You know me inside and out, and can practically predict what i'm going to do or say when we're together. I don't think that there is anyone out there in the world who understands me that well. I've come to you with many things, big and small, and you've helped me through it all, offering me whatever advice you have. You know just how to make me smile when I'm down. So for everything these past years, thank you. Thank you for being my best friend ever.

O, and one last thing for you. Just to let you know exactly who the hell I'm talking about. BLAH!!!!

quiz time

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 00:42:56 GMT

Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and
shining with love. You believe in the goodness
of those around you and give almost everyone a
smile. You are not the kind to hide your
happiness and tend to smile all day long, both
in and out. But when sadness hits you, you
become very devastated and may be upset for
quite some time. What you need in your life is
friends, friends who will love you
unconditionally, like you love them. But you
have a naive nature and don't always notice
when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would
say you are oblivious to mean people, which
makes you an easy target. However, your true
friends will probably be there for you and save
you. In school you are either the popular one
or the little weird one. It all depends if
"the higher people" find your caring
side irritating or not. Nevertheless, you have
a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys
may not be your thing since you want bonding
time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit
you more. You like the happy things in life and
like everyone else to be as happy as you are.
Rate and message!

What is your element? [with pics + 7 outcomes + detailed answeres!]
brought to you by Quizilla

Your element is Light: Innocent, beautiful,
kind-hearted and pure. You are so sweet your
almost angelic, you find joy in others
happiness and cannot stand to see anyone in
pain. You want to make everyone around you feel
good about themselves and if someone is upset
you can tend to become rather upset as well
which means you are sympathetic and raise
others above yourself. Being as kind and
good-natured as you are people have most likely
hurt you in the past but you pick yourself up
every time. You may look fragile but you are
stronger than most tend to see. Life is
beautiful no matter how you look at it and you
understand that people make mistakes, not
everyone is perfect. You try to see the good in
the bad which is a talent few posses, dont ever
let anyone change you. You truly have a
beautiful soul inside and a heart of gold.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

holy crap! an update!!!

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 03:21:18 GMT

no, i haven't fallen off the face of the earth or died. and yeah, i'm actually updating this. i've been meaning and wanting to for quite some time now. for a little while, i just didn't get to it when i had the time; then it turned into wanting to wait for some things to happen. But all the things i was waiting to have happen have indeed happened, so i have no excuses.

OK. i read over the last entry which was just over 2 months ago. (damn it's been a while!) So i know where to start at least. So to start, i got a bit of bad news. Jess is again unemployed. She had gotten a call a while back from the family saying that things weren't working out. Now I'm not entirely sure about it, I have a feeling that it had something to do with the father there. for a little bit, i had gotten something of a weird vibe from him. Paula and the little girl were both so nice, so i doubt that they had much to do with it. again tho, i don't know for certain, so i am not going to point any fingers. that is just my gut feeling. When she had told me about it, she was obviously depressed. So to cheer her up, i gave her one of her anniversary presents early. It had just arrived the day before actually. I had gotten her the Vampire tarot deck that she had lost, to replace it basically. i knew that she love that deck in particular, so i thought it would be the perfect gift for her. it was about a month and half early, but she needed some cheering up that day. had to get that beautiful smile of hers back on her face.

Let's see. I'm just gonna put the big things in here now, since it has been so long. i ain't gonna remember every little thing that happened. I crashed my car about mid April. I was going to get Jess and was on 295 North, and i was in the left lane. There was an accident on the southbound side, and i glanced over to look at it for a second or 2. i looked back, and see that some of the people ahead of me had slowed down to look at it, but i hadn't slowed down. so i end up ramming my car into the one ahead of me while i was going about 65 mph. the whole front of my car was fucked up. the hood was bent upwards, the bumper cracked all the way through, both airbags came out. All told, the car was done. it wasn't worth the money to fix. And i walked away from all of that with just a small scratch on my neck. Apparently, Jess had a protection spell out for those close to her, like myself, family, and friends. so that's what i'm chalking my survival up to. i went to see her the day after, and as soon as i got there i just gave her a huge hug. i was so happy to see her. my mind was saying that i should have been killed, if not a lot more hurt than i was. i have indeed got a new appreciation for life.

So now i drive around a '95 Dodge Intrepid. i got it off one of my dad's neighbors. cost me $4,250. both my parents loaned me $1000 each for it, so that was indeed a help. The car runs tho like it is only a couple years old. I love it. it was almost worth getting in that accident. o, and it's not a white car!!!! it's a deep red!! i love it!!

Jess and I also celebrated our 6 month anniversary this past thursday. We went to a place in Burlington City called Tommy G's. It used to be a bank, but is now a restaurant. It was really a cool place. I had reserved the vault for the night. it's the old bank vault, with the old safety deposit boxes in it. some of them are open with candles in them. there is also a table for 2 in there. it really made for an interesting meal, eating in an old bank vault that is. Jess got Jambalaya, and i the seafood newburg. very good food, and nicely priced. all told, the meal was just over $50. and thanks to mom's entertainment card, it went down to $30 for the 2 of us. She gave me her present for me there. It was a Claddaugh ring. I really love it. It's now at Kay being resized. i should have it back on the 15th. Afterwards, we went back to her house for a short bit to finish watching a DVD. Also gave her her other gift then. I had gotten her a diamond necklace. to say the least, she loved it. Then, I had one last surprise for her. we went back to the car, and i had her put on a blindfold. i didn't want her to know where we were going. i then took the scenic route to our destination, just so she would have even less of an idea. I took her down to the river, where I asked if she wanted to dance. when she said there was no music, i hit the play button on the Ipod, which had some small speakers hooked up to it. the speakers were on the inside pocket of my trench, and the ipod in the outside pocket. she just looked at me for a second kind of surprised. she said yes, and we danced for 2 songs. she said it reminded her of a scene from the movie "The Notebook". then went back and hung out with her for a bit at her place. i had gotten permission to come in late the next day at work, so i was able to stay out later with her that night. All told, it was indeed a wonderful night.

o, and i promised nic that i'd throw this in my next entry

I was tagged by nikoanime
Not because you have to, but because you WANT to! Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs

1) music

2) being with Jess

3) video games

4) watching some tv

5) taking a walk around the apartment complex at night

I'm tagging: estoy_rompida, nosn85, fragilentity, silverreign, and waywardlife

So those are the big events in my life since the last update. i'm going to try to be a bit more frequent with updates. honestly. i swear it. u can believe me.
So until I write again..

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 03:31:27 GMT

So i was hoping to update this sometime during the week, and not wait until the weekend. but things don't always go as planned, and sometimes, it is indeed for the better.

So let's see, time to bring people up to date, or at the very least, the journal. Jess now has a job as an Au Pair. But the job isn't in Sussex like one of my previous posts states. she had found another job to also try for while waiting to hear back from the people in Sussex. This one is over in Cheltenham, PA, just outside of Philly. She started over there last saturday. So for the majority of that week, i was trying to spend some time with her. It was indeed a long week, with ups and downs all told, but they have all been worked out. I also picked her up a little going away/good luck present. She had said at one point that she wanted to get a new lighter, since the one she had was out of fuel. So i got her a lighter and a box for it, both of which i got engraved. on the lighter, I had "to paradise" engraved; i then had "Guide this lone wolf to paradise, with the light of your fire" engraved on the box. Gave it to her monday when i went to see her, and she liked it.

So then on friday, the two of us go out to dinner at Maccaroni Grill, just down the road from me. we had some time to kill before our reservations, so we stopped by Barnes and Noble. Jess needed to get a new tarot deck, since she had lost her deck. So while we are looking for a deck, this gentleman comes up and tells us that there are other decks behind the counter. well, one thing led to another, and the 3 of us got to talking. it turns out that Ted (the gentleman there) is an astrologer, and offered to make some astrology charts for us for free! how cool is that? he gave us his e-mail, and we then parted ways, at least for the time. we had to get to dinner soon. So Jess goes to the counter and sees this one deck that she really liked. she goes to pay for it, and she then realizes that she left her wallet at home. she was about to give it back to them, when i asked if she definately had the money at home. when said yeah, i just looked at her and told her to pay me later. She was so happy when i said that i'd pay for it. she was not expecting me to do that, and neither was i actually. but what the hey, i had the money, she wanted the deck, and was gonna repay me. how could i just say no?

we then went to dinner, which was quite nice. we agreed to get together on friday nights when she is home. so friday nights are now booked. i also told her that if she ever needed a ride there or home, to just call me and i'd be there as soon as i could. i then asked if i could come along on saturday when her family was taking her over. she said that would be fine. i get there on saturday, and we're hanging out for a little bit. she and her parents kinda butt heads then, and it ends up just me taking her over. got to meet the father there when we arrived. very nice man. it felt weird tho when i left without her. kinda put me in a little slump for the weekend. but that is old news now, and i'm out of the slump.

I then got together with her last night. we watched The Incredibles and basically just hung out for a little while. Before i left, i asked if i could come along again to drop her off, and again, she said it would be fine. I think i might try to go along when she is going back regularly. this way i can at least say good bye, and i also know that she made it over OK. I got to see the family's daughter today as well. such a cute little girl.

one thing that i can say that i've noticed tho about Jess is that lately, she seems a little happier to see me, and a little more affectionate. her hugs have been a little tighter and longer, and she talks with a bit more feeling it seems. maybe it's just me, but somehow i doubt it. regardless, it has really managed to bring my spirits up this week, and make this transition all the easier. it didn't feel quite as weird today when i dropped her off. almost felt normal in fact. i guess that's a good sign.

so that's basically it for now. sorry for the length, but hey, this was an important week, and i want to share it. so until i write again folks

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 05:33:10 GMT

an update shall come in the next few days. just been really busy with things around here. i'll get into it later tho. for now, survey thing for people to fill out that i stole from amanda. enjoy

1. Tell me something obvious about you.
2. Tell me something about you that many don't know.
3. What is your biggest fear?
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
5. Name one thing you want that you can't buy with money.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
8. Tell me something sexually about you that I don't know.
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you've done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while being drunk.
20. If you post this in your journal would you like me to answer it?

a growth of character

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 03:19:43 GMT

you know, it's one thing to look back at your life, and see that your character has grown over time, without you ever really noticing it. But i say this now. it really is something amazing when you are able to notice your character growing the instant it is happening. I have experienced that tonight.

So let's start this from the beginning, shall we? last wednesday, i went over to Jess's house after work, and shortly after i got there, she presented me with a piece of paper. she told me this was info about a job she was in the process of trying to get. She has been looking for a job for a while now, but with no luck sadly. I was happy for her at first when she told me she had a chance at this job, before i actually got to read the paper. i read the paper, and then saw that it was not only a live in Au Pair job, but it was in Sussex county. Now, me not being the brightest bulb there is, thought at first Sussex was in north/central jersey area. So when i got home, i looked up where Sussex actually was, and found that it is at the very northern tip of jersey; probably a good 2 hours or so away from me. My spirits dropped dramatically then. i couldn't figure out why she would want to leave behind her family, boyfriend, and all her friends just for a job. it was indeed beyond me.

So after i talked to some of my friends, and got some things off my chest, i called Jess up and let her know how i really felt about the job. i told her that i really wasn't too fond of it, with her being so far away and all. i held back some things, for i didn't want to push her away. last time i pushed a girl away, it took my heart a long time to heal, and i don't want to have to experience that again. the weekend came and went, and i got to see how many people really do care about my well-being. (thank you to everyone who helped me with this. it means so much) i started to get a clear view of things. and finally, i got to see Jess again this evening.

Now over the years, i've always offered my advice to any of my friends who have come to me with a problem. one of the things that i've told people with relationship problems is to be supportive of what the other person wants. but when it came time for me to do that, i could not. i was being selfish, and wanted Jess to find another job, and basically give up on this one. but after this past weekend and this evening, i can see the change in me.

I asked Jess if she had heard anything yet, and she said that she had sent them an e-mail and was awaiting a response. i then told that i hope she hears back soon and that she gets it. she was a little shocked that i had changed my tune for the better. i told her that while i still am not fond of the job, it is something that she wants, and i don't want to hold her back; if she gets it, then i am going to be behind her all the way. i have finally managed to practice something that i've been telling friends to do. she seems to be a bit happier with me now since i've cleared the air. and i'm glad that things are better. and if this falls through, she has most likely got other opportunities for the same kind of job in the area.

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 03:56:33 GMT

so today is the 3 month anniversary for Jess and I. at this point in our relationship last time, we were breaking up. but now we are going strong i feel. i was hoping to take her out to dinner last night, but she wasn't able to go. she had an orthodontist appointment that morning, and had gotten more of her braces put on, so her mouth was really hurting. i could understand tho, since i had gone through that pain when i got mine on. i still got to go over and see her, so i was happy. picked her up a little something the night before, a little plaque thing that had "Paris, France" on it along with an eiffel tower and one or 2 other things on it.

the car is finally in the shop getting fixed. so i now am driving dad's van around. it's definately one hell of a change. i must say tho that i am quite proud of myself. i managed to back the van into my parking spot here without hitting either of my neighbors' cars. so i am quite proud of myself for that one.

also got the full $1 bonus payout at work for the month of february. for every hour that we worked that month, we get $1. it might not sound like much, but it does add up. we haven't gotten the full payout since i started to work there. most we ever got was $.75, and those checks averaged about $120 or so. i can't wait to see how much i earned this month.

so yeah, that is pretty much it for right now. it's basically the same old shit. but o well, it's a life. at least for now. until i write again............

Your soul is bound to the Second Totem, Luna:
The Wolf.

Luna appears as a pair of coral colored wolves.
She embodies empathy, nurturing, insight,
and warmth. She is associated with the
color coral, the season of spring, and the
element of wind. Her downfall is pathos.

You are most compatible with Doves and Ravens.

Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

as promised

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 03:19:52 GMT

as i promised in the last entry, i am now updating. for real this time. i am a man of my word, what can i say.

well, let's see. where to begin this?? how about with work. yeah. let's start there. so last week one day i trained a guy from the floor how to program. he had worked with AutoCad before, so he had an idea about the program. he picked up a good bit i'd say. he really seemed to catch on quick, and i must say, i'm proud that i made a good teacher. i think he was planning on quitting tho. he said it wasn't for him, and he was gonna be trying to get a job with an architect. o well. the downside of that day tho was that i didn't finish all the programs for a day, so i was a bit behind. i let one of the night shift drillers kno, so that they wouldn't ream my ass in the morning. but what happened in the morning? my ass got reamed. the part that got my blood boiling tho was this. when i got there, Melissa was already there, and doug (the guy i trained) came up. shortly after that, Dan comes in and starts yelling at me. he doesn't ask me to go into his office or anything. just starts yelling at me in front of a co-worker and someone i'm training. my blood was boiling just about all day. i wanted his blood. i've only felt like that once before, and it was harder to subdue this time around. i hope this isn't going to be something to worry about for the future. hopefully it'll only be this hard with Dan. this way no one else has to worry.

car is going into the body shop soon. got rear-ended 2 weeks ago i'd say on 130. not fun, since i was on my way to see Jess. the car is still drivable thankfully, and no one was hurt. the car now sports the lovely look of duck tape tho on the front bumper. the whole front bumper is gonna be replaced. it got cracked, and one of the turn signal lights popped out. it still works, it was just hanging by the cords is all. so that is taped in. the trunk also doesn't quite close right. something got bent up when i got hit. the big plus tho, is that the guy who hit me, his company's insurance is covering this, since it was a company car that hit me and all. yey!!

so let's see.....what else.........i know! gotta put jess in here. how can i not? since the last update, she has been going through some crap with her family. not gonna go into detail. don't think she'd be appreciative of that. it's still being worked on i believe, but it has gotten better since it started. our relationship has also been improving i'd say. for a while, i've been keeping my heart in check; she's saying it's too soon to say that she loves me. i can understand, but it is hard to keep a heart in check, especially when it knows who it loves. but it has gotten better. we did valentine's day on sunday, since i had work today. i wanted to spend the day with her, as opposed to only a few hours. i got her some hematite rune stones, a dozen black origami roses, and one real red rose. i know what many of u are thinking right now prolly, but hey, Jess likes black roses, so i got her some. we watched The Notebook, most of The Princess Bride, and the second Blue Collar Comedy movie on comedy central. i also cooked her dinner. we had chicken stuffed shells, noodles, green beans, and some biscuits. also had a little playlist on the Ipod that i made just for that night, to listen to during dinner. she really liked that i believe. the best part, for me at least, was right before i left her house after dropping her off, i told her "i love you", and got no objections from her at all. so i talked with her today about it, and she's cool with me saying it occassionally. she just said to not expect her to say it back most times. still too soon for her. i can understand, i'm just happy that i can tell her that i love her.

that's pretty much all i can think of for now. if i think of more, i'll put it in later. and i'll try to update this more often, i swear. i've just been busy with other things lately is all. the journal took a backseat for a while. but i'm back, and will do normal updates again!!

a long while since an update

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 02:13:52 GMT

i know that it has been ages since i updated. the reason i haven't tho i think is cuz i've been waiting to see how some things pan out. i still need a bit of time. i just have one more thing to see, and then i think i can piece together some thoughts, and then put them here so that i don't overstep any boundary. i promise that an update with my thoughts is coming in one week.

F I R S T S

First best friend: aila
First break-up: courtney
First Boyfriend/Girlfriend: courtney
First self purchased album: don't remember really
First funeral: my grandfather's if i went. if not, then the earliest i can remember is Marianne's mom
First pets: Smokey and Bandit
First piercing/tattoo: don't have any

L A S T S
Last car ride: today to the mall and Kohls
Last kiss: last friday
Last good cry: maybe a month ago or so?
Last library book checked out: been way too long to remember that
Last movie seen: psycho beach party at Jess's
Last beverage drank: soda
Last food consumed: pizza
Last phone call: dad
Last Time Showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: the brown ones i normally wear
Last item bought: pillow for marianne, some placemats and napkins, and the Fullmetal Alchemist DVD
Last annoyance: my mom wanting to tell me when to take my personal day at work
Last time wanting to die: never
Last time scolded: i guess when my mom wanted to tell me when to take my personal day, although it was a mix of scolding and advising i'd say

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Who are your best friends? Chris, Aila, Nicole, Steve, and Alyssa
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yep

S P E C I F I C S

Do you do drugs? nah
What kind of shampoo do you use? head and shoulders
What are you most scared of? prolly snakes
What are you listening to right now? some anime music on the Ipod
Where do you want to get married? not sure. never really thought about it
How many buddies are online right now? 40
What would you change about yourself? not a thing. i'm happy just the way i am

F A V O R I T E S

Color: green
Food: pizza
Boy name: dunno
Girl name: dunno
Subjects in school: not in school anymore
Animals: wolves and dragons
Sports: not a big sports guy, but i guess billiards and bowling count
Perfume: i'm a dood, i don't use perfume

H A V E Y O U E V E R

Given anyone a bath? no
Bungee jumped? nah
Made yourself throw up? nope
Skinny dipped? no
Ever been in love? yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? no
Pictured your crush naked? o yea
Actually seen your crush naked? sadly, no
Cried when someone died? yes
Lied? yes, but not anymore
Fallen for a close friend? nah
Been rejected? yes
Rejected someone? can't say i have
Used someone? never
Done something you regret? dumped Jess back in high school, and missing out on a good couple years of happiness wih her

C U R R E N T

Clothes: dark blue pants and a dark blue shirt with a phoenix on it
Music: Fullmetal Alchemist ending - kesenai tsumi
Style: whatever i feel like
Make-up: again, i'm a dood. don't wear it
Annoyance: nothin right now
eyeball: uhh...
Smell: pizza that was reheated
Favorite artist: don't have many, but i'm starting to like Jim Warren
Desktop picture: Kenshin and Kauru
Dvd in player: Fullmetal Alchemist was in there, but it's back in the case now
Color of toenails: natural i guess. don't paint em

L A S T P E R S O N

You touched: jess
Hugged: jess
You IMed: don't remember
IMed you: don't remember. it's actually rare that someone IMs me
Called you: mom
You called: dad
Bought you flowers: no one has gotten me flowers, but o well

W H O D O Y O U W A N N A

Kill: Dan Kerr
Slap: many of our customers when they send us a really shitty sketch

W H I C H I S B E T T E R

Coke or pepsi: coke
Flowers or candy: flowers
Tall or short? i like em shorter

R A N D O M

In the morning: i hit the snooze button many times
All I need is: friends, family, and love
Love is: a beautiful thing that is hard to find, and easy to lose
I dream about: many things
What do you notice first: face, and what i can sense about them
Last person you danced with: don't have a clue. been a long while since i danced
Worst question to ask: to quote melissa, "do they play with a puck!?" when i told her my friend Nicole played ice hockey
Who makes you laugh the most: almost anyone really. i'm easily amused
Makes you smile: seeing my friends happy, and being able to help them
Who has a crush on you: don't kno, don't care. i got Jess

D O Y O U E V E R

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: not really
Wish you were younger: not really. i'd rather move forward with my life

N U M B E R

Of times I have had my heart broken: once to date
Of hearts I have broken: 2 that i know of.
Of guys I've kissed: none, and that number isn't going to get any bigger
Of girls I've kissed: not many actually. i'm picky. i'd say about 3 or 4
Of tight friends: around a dozen or so perhaps, maybe more
Of cds I own: too many to count

again, i promise i'll actually update this in a week. i just need one more thing to happen so i can get thoughts together, and figure things out. so for now, i bid u farewell....

stolen from Twa

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 05:42:01 GMT

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?: moved out into my own place.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?: i don't even make em

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?: my one stepsister did

4. Did anyone close to you die?: my mom-mom

5. What countries did you visit?: didn't. no time

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?: i'm already starting to get it, but a social life.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: august 29 i believe it was. the day i moved in, and also the day i believe my mom-mom passed away

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: proving to my parents and myself that i can indeed be independent

9. What was your biggest failure?: doubting in one of my best friends and his good intentions

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?: a cold or 2, but that's it. nothin major

11. What was the best thing you bought?: the new sheets and comforter on my bed

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?: honestly, i'd have to say alyssa. learning to open up and trust others new in her life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: can't think of anyone really

14. Where did most of your money go?: bills most likely, and if not that, then anime at suncoast or artwork

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: moving out

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?: Love's Divine probably. found a lot of comfort in it

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?: happier
b) richer or poorer?: i'm thinkin richer. not much tho
c) fatter or thinner? a little fatter maybe. doubt it tho

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?: did everything that i wanted to do

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?: nothing. i regret nothing from the past year

20. How will you be spending Christmas?: spent christmas eve day with Jess, and christmas itself with family, and jess for a little bit

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?: yes i did

22. How many one-night stands?: none

23. What was your favorite TV program?: either Wolf's Rain or Full Metal Alchemist

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: nope

25. What was the best book you read?: don't read books normally

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Yellowcard

27. What did you want and get?: love and a relationship

28. What did you want and not get?: a crush or 2, but those are history now

29. What was your favorite film of this year?: Polar Express

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: turned 21, and i spent it flying home from florida

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: can't think of anything really

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?: mainly work clothes, and that changed a couple times. so let's stick with the general there

33. What kept you sane?: music and friends to turn to

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: uhh....

35. What political issue stirred you the most?: the presidential election. kerry should be in office! not bush!

36. Who did you miss?: some of my friends from Evergreens, and also some of the guys from 3rd shift at Old Castle, and Jason.

37. Who was the best new person you met?: i met so many people, but if i have to choose, it's a tie then between steve and alyssa. they are two of the greatest people and friends anyone could ever ask for

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: to give those you care about a chance to explain themselves, before you get angry at something they have done

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: cuz i need love, love's divine. please forgive me now i see that i've been blind. give me love, love is what i need to help me know my name

a busy month, a lovely holiday, and a new year approaches

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 05:11:15 GMT

let's see, where to begin this? let's just start out wishing all of my good friends, my family, and my wonderful girlfriend a very merry christmas. i hope that you all had as wonderful of a holiday as i did.

so this month i've been quite busy. between work, getting gifts, wrapping gifts, seeing my friends, and being with Jess, i've been swamped with obligations. i can now finally sit down and breathe a sigh of relief that the business is pretty much over. i still have a few gifts left to give. some i am giving out tomorrow evening, when some of my friends are coming here for a little while. the others have yet to arrive. i ordered them through a magazine called Bits and Pieces, and they ended up sending the stuff to mom's old address in burlington for some fucked up reason. the magazine itself had her right address in medford, but they went and sent it to burlington for some reason. i had gifts in there for Marianne, Jess's sister Danielle, and Jess's parents. the gifts won't get here until sometime between the 30th and the 2nd. very pissed at the company right now. they really fucked me over with it. i got those people little things tho in the meantime, so that they would have something on christmas.

christmas has come and gone, and i got plenty of nice things. got my own DVD player now for starters, so i am very happy about that. i just wanna get another TV, one that has the jacks i need on it, instead of hooking it up through the VCR again. that just fucked it up sometimes. also got a family guy dartboard from Jess's parents, and a very cool shirt from Jess. got plenty of gift cards and $$. got a giftcard from mom and frank for Best Buy, and it's enough to get me an Ipod!!! i cannot wait to go and get it. that's gonna be happening this week for sure. got an awesome wolf picture from chris, which he promised to frame for me for my brithday. he also gave me some controller extension cables for the playstation, and an awesome inu yasha wall scroll. got some really nice clothes as well. all told, it was indeed a good christmas.

spent christmas eve with Jess all day. picked her up in the morning around 10, which she was not too happy about at all. she likes to sleep in until noon or so on days she doesn't have school. but i had some plans for the day that required her to get up early. when i first got there, i gave out the gifts that i had for everyone; a pillow for her parents, a snowglobe for Danielle, and a pillow person representing love for Jess. she was happy she finally knew what her last present was. she had been bothering me all week, but i wouldn't tell her. so anyways, we first went over to Norristown State Farm Park. it was the site for my last design project, and i loved the place, and wanted to share it with her. she liked it, and we agreed that we had to go back during the summer, when the place would be alive. then we headed over to mom's house, where we had some lunch and Jess got 2 presents, one from mom and frank, and the other from dad and marianne. i was very happy when they told me that they had gotten jess gifts, especially my mom, cuz she hasn't been too fond of jess since we last broke up. but i think she's starting to like her again. so after we were done at mom's house, we came back to my place after a quick stop to blockbuster. the night was spent watching movies, and me cooking dinner for the 2 of us. she loved it. all told, i was forgiven for getting her up so early. i would have loved to spend all of xmas day with her, but we both had plans. i really didn't want that day to end. everything was just perfect, and i didn't want it to end.

went to go see Trans Siberian Orchestra tonight. the show was absolutely amazing. it was more than just a musical show, but it was also a light show. the lights and music went together perfectly. it was one of the greatest shows that i have ever seen in my life. we are definately going next year.

my mom and i got to talking a bit about going to North Carolina this summer. they're going to be going to Hilker Cottage again, and i should be able to come this year. i gotta talk with Tracy at work and see how much vacation i'm gonna get this year. but i should be able to go, at least for a long weekend. i asked mom if Jess could come, and she said she'd have to see. i got a maybe, so i'm happy with it for now. not gonna push it too much, so as not to make it a no.

talked with Jess about NC as well, and she would love to be able to go. hopefully her parents will let her go. it would be so awesome if she could. i've come to realize something now, now that i'm back with jess. i've spent much of my life not regretting anything that i had done in the past. i now look back tho and have found something that i regret. i actually regret breaking up with her the first time around. i missed out on 3½ years of happiness. but i am back with her now, which is what matters most. i honestly couldn't be happier right now. there is only one more thing i want from life right now, and that is a family. i already have great friends who care for me, a family that loves me deeply, a place that i can call my own, a great job that i don't hate getting up for, and a girlfriend who cares about me so much. i am recreating a utopia that i had years ago. and to be honest, this one is turning out much better than the old one.

the best week in a long time

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 06:34:49 GMT

well, as the title to this entry states, this has indeed been the best week that i have had in a very long time. and what all has made this a great week might u ask? well, i shall tell you

first of all, chris and i put up my tree monday night. got a tree skirt for it and some lights on it, and it now looks lovely there. i was so very excited to have my little tree all set up. it's not much really, but it's mine, and that is what i care about. i also got my figment statue that i had bought while i was down in florida. it looks so much cooler than i remembered it to be. i got him behind the recliner in the living room, so that he is the first thing u see while u walk up the stairs. i love it!!

but those things, while good contributions, were not what ultimately made this week the best week i've had in a long time. what made it such a lovely week is the fact that after a little more than 2 years of being single, i have me a gf. i had come to realize that i made a mistake several years ago, back in high school. i dumped her for someone else that i thought was right for me, when in reality, i was dumping the one who was right for me. Jess and i are now back together, and she means the world to me. i've found happiness again, the happiness that one can only have when in love. i'm having such trouble putting into words how i feel, but i just know that it is good. i can look in her eyes, and see love reflecting back at me, and i then know that i made the right choice to get back together with her.

so that has been my best week in a long time. i can't think of anything more that i could want in life. i have a good job that i like, my own apartment, and a wonderful girlfriend. i think that if i were to die tomorrow, i would die happily. i have almost everything in life that i could want. the only thing left is a family, and that i'll get in due time

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 00:48:34 GMT

ok, so it has indeed been a while since i updated this. at first it was cuz not much had been happening and i was just lazy. then i was on vacation, and this week has just been hectic it seems.

so let's see........we now have a new gizmo thing at work called a digitizer. we are now able to take a picture of a pattern that a customer sends to us and send it to the cutting line, as opposed to having someone handcut it. it's actually kinda cool, once we figured out how to use it. we got training for it about 2 weeks ago from a british dood name Jonathan. it was on the day before i was leaving for florida for a week. what timing, huh? so not only was it kinda hard to understand him cuz of the accent, but i was trying to cram so that i could remember it all when i got back. melissa and i have been working on it this week a little bit each day, and we finally got it down today. we sent down a test piece to one of the cutting lines, and it came out beautifully.

it's also now december, and officially the christmas season in my mind. i'm not too fond of people that start to do christmasy kinda things before thanksgiving has come. it ticks me off, since it seems they overlook thanksgiving. the only exception to that is stores, cuz they need to do the business and all, but only to a point to i really overlook it.

but yeah, the christmas season is upon us, and this is one of my favorite times of the year. i'm always in such a good mood during this time of the year. i think the thing i like the most is the gift giving. i love giving my friends christmas gifts. even if they don't celebrate xmas, i'll still get them an xmas gift. i do it cuz they are my friend, and i do it in the spirit of giving. it's just such a great time of the year. society actually looks better than it usually does. i also love some of the music. i got to hear one of my most favorite songs twice today, once on the way to work, and once on the way home. i think it's called The Christmas Shoes. don't know who sings it, but i know that it is such a beautiful song, and is such a lovely meaning of xmas and the spirit of giving.

so that's about it. gonna try and get done the majority of my xmas shopping that i have left this sunday. not looking forward to seeing how much this is gonna cost me. but it'll be worth it. all i want is for the people who get the gifts to be happy. that's all i want, nothing more.

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 12:35:22 GMT

new pic and color scheme for the journal. what do u all think of it? lemme know. that's pretty much it

Mon, 01 Nov 2004 04:21:29 GMT

GAH!!! why must all the really good looking girls i end up being attracted to be taken. damn my luck!!

so i'm over at steve's house this evening (just got back home actually), and was hanging out with him and alyssa. they said that i would get to meet their friend Katie, since she was coming over. i didn't think much of it other than 'ok. cool.' then katie gets there and walks downstairs, and i am doing all that i can not to stare at her too much. she was fucking gorgeous. granted, she was in a haloween costume, and doesn't normally wear dresses. but hey, she still looked damn good. if nothing else, she made one hell of a first impression. so for a while i was thinking that she was single, and that i actually had a chance.

after alyssa left, myself, steve, and katie went out to the beach on the lake behind steve's house, where we 3 just stood around, hung out, and talked about things in general. so i find out that she is not only damn good looking, even in flannel, but she is also a very cool person. then i find out that she has this on again, off again boyfriend. and much hope is then shattered

i really think that i am more than ready to get into a relationship. my heart has been reaching out for attraction from many girls lately. i'm ready, willing, and able. just gotta find that right person now. i'm not the type of guy to get together with a girl just to be in a relationship. i want it to mean something. i've found love once before, and i really don't want to settle for less than what i had. soon i hope tho. soon

the actual update

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 02:21:40 GMT

i'm actually going to update this for real this time. not just some stupid little quiz here and there like i have been for a bit.

so i've now got a new position at work. i'm no longer working on the floor in the fab department. now, i am upstairs making programs for the forvet. i am really liking it. i get to where my normal street clothes there, instead of the jeans and t-shirts i had been wearing on the floor. for those who didn't know, i ain't much of a jeans person. i like my baggy khaki pants so much more. i do bring a change of clothes with me tho if i do have to go and work on the floor. i had to go down once for some shape polishing. no big deal. i absolutely love the new position now. it just feels so right. i had never pictured myself as an office guy, but this just fits.

i was also really looking forward to today. Staci was going to come over this afternoon and i was going to show her some of the apartment places i had looked at when i was looking. she is moving out sometime, and i thought i'd help her out some. i haven't seen her in so long, and i was really looking forward to see her again. but sadly, she had to cancel on me. her aunt had an emergency, and she had to watch her little cousins. so i can understand. i am kinda disappointed, but i'll live. she did what she had to do, and i respect that much.

then there was a pig roast that my mom invited me to. it was being held by the sons of italy i believe. i felt like such a fish out of water there. many italians (nothing against italians), and no one around my age to hang out with. i had also eaten a lot today beforehand, so my stomach wasn't feeling all too good. so i went to the basement and just lay down on a table there. it felt good to lay down. lindsay and some other kids were also there playing. the kids have absolutely no respect for others it seems, or none for me at least. i'm laying there, and they're throwing a football around. then they throw it at me while i'm laying there with my eyes closed, nice and relaxed. they hit my arm once or twice, my leg once, and my nuts dead on once. they also moved the table i was on a fair bit. one of them came right up to my ear and was just very loud. when they dripped something on my head (i'm guessing and hoping water), i had had it. that was the last straw. i just had to leave the relaxing table and get away from those bastards. it is evenings like these that make me grateful i have my code of honors and morals along with some self control, otherwise i would have done something that i really would have regretted later. i was going to go to my dad's house for tonight so that we could go over some things tomorrow, but i couldn't. i had to come home, and be away from people in general. those kids pushed my buttons way too much. i had said that my stomach wasn't feeling too good before i first lay down, yet they still decided to do all that shit to me.

GAH!! it really ticks me off when i see people like them with absolutely no respect for others. it really just sets something off inside of me.

so yeah, that's basically it for me. i've let out some steam. still got plenty in me tho. it'll be gone by tomorrow tho hopefully. ::raises imaginary drink:: here's hoping. *chink*

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 23:44:28 GMT

I am The Emperor

The Emperor represents structure, order and regulation - forces to balance the free-flowing, lavish abundance of the Empress. He advocates a four-square world where trains are on time, games are played by rules, and commanding officers are respected. In chaotic situations, the Emperor can indicate the need for organization. Loose ends should be tied up, and wayward elements, harnessed. In situations that are already over-controlled, he suggests the confining effect of those constraints.

For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 07:52:10 GMT

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
luthien_calomir goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as a soul reaper.
estoy_rompida tricks you! You get a clothespin.
floochie tricks you! You get a wad of paper.
fragilentity gives you 13 teal licorice-flavoured gumdrops.
incu_rican tricks you! You get a wad of paper.
leosweetie5 tricks you! You get a rock.
nikoanime gives you 13 white lemon-flavoured jelly beans.
nosn85 gives you 2 pink cherry-flavoured gummy bats.
silverreign gives you 13 red licorice-flavoured wafers.
txleprechaun gives you 9 light blue mint-flavoured hard candies.
waywardlife gives you 14 white apple-flavoured gummy bears.
luthien_calomir ends up with 64 pieces of candy, a clothespin, a wad of paper, a wad of paper, and a rock.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

stolen from amanda

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 06:35:59 GMT

i like this one!! it is actually accurate. hooray!!

You're the color blue. You have the three c's in
life--you're cool, caring and confident.
Trustworthy and honest, people are naturally
attracted to you. You're unusually optimistic,
but that makes life all the better. You're an
imaginative person who loves sleeping and
dreaming. Hard-working and determined, you
excell in school. You're everybody's favorite,
and this is because you have this undefined
richness in your personality and attitude.
Mild-tempered and stable. Not to mention very
intelligent. Along with the fact that you're
conservative, you're worried about the
environment. So basically, you're a generous,
dependable and devoted--just the kind of person
everybody needs. Wouldn't it be great if
everybody in the world were like you?

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

argh!!!!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 06:24:50 GMT

ok. so tonight sucked major ass at work, and it has been bothering me all night. so i need to do some major venting right now.

ok, so i've been at Old Castle for 6 months now. since i work a night shift, i get paid on wednesdays. i normally get my check between 5 and 6 in the afternoon. i've always then taken my check out to my car for safe keeping. i don't want to carry it around with me in my pocket until my break since i work with a lot of water and don't want my check to get ruined. and i won't put it in my locker cuz my locker was once opened by someone when i wasn't there, and i had something taken out of it. so to keep my check safe, i lock it in my car. all told, it takes me about 2 or 3 minutes i wanna say to go from my work area to my car and back. i go right to my car, and then come right back once i put the check in the car.

i'm walking back from my car today, and i see Dan Kerr, one of the hierarchs at the place, in the parking lot walking. he looks at me, raises his hands in the air asking me what i was doing out there. when i told him that i was just putting my check in my car, he shook his head from side to side, telling me that i shouldn't be doing that. now bear in mind that he saw me doing this last week and said the same thing, but as a warning then. this week tho was a whole different story. he asked if i was on lunch, and when i said no, he immediately said that i should be inside and not outside. he then asked me if i wanted to still be employed there. i said yes, so as not to jeopardize anything. how do you jump from a warning one week, to questioning me about whether or not i still want to be employed there the next week? how i ask you!?!?!?!?!? now this whole time, he seems rather pissed at me, and all i did was take my check out to my car. now it is ok for me to sit outside for about 10 minutes and do nothing, and for others to go out and have a smoke. and it even seems ok for some of the first shift people to leave early frequently and also screw me over. but it's not ok for me to just walk to my car to put my check there for safety. god fucking forbid i want to keep it safe.

also, i am either going to have off on friday or work an earlier shift since i'm going to alabama this weekend for my cousin Brian's wedding. Dan has yet to tell me what is going to happen. now i have asked him here and there if there had been any word yet, and there hadn't been yet. i asked him a week ago, and he said that i would know by the middle of this week. i'm going to talk with him tomorrow, and if he still doesn't know, then i'm just going to tell him that i'm just going to use my sick day. and if he wants to screw me over, and not let me do either like he said i definately could, then i'm going to be quite pissed. i am going to alabama this weekend, and there ain't a damn thing that he can do about it.

also today, there was a new grinder. the guy used to work at old castle, but got fired i think. i don't know. i had heard from a few people on the floor that he was going to be coming back today and that he was a grinder. i hadn't heard anything from anyone of importance really, so i just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind. i walk in today tho, and he's there on the grinder that i've been working for the past 2 months or so. no one came over and told me what i was to do really since i couldn't work on the grinder. so i just started drilling. now dan saw me there doing work, but never actually came over to explain things to me. not once. the only time he talked to me was when he yelled at me in the parking lot.

i cannot look at that man anymore without feeling utterly disgusted. i used to be able to respect dan. he used to come over and say hi and see how i was doing. and i respected him for that. i respected him as one of my bosses and also as an ok guy. i've lost just about all respect for him now. the only respect left is a bit since he is one of my bosses, and what is left is not much at all. i am more than likely going to be looking soon for a new job. i'll stay at old castle thru november, since i have vacation time scheduled for then, and i don't want to lose that vacation.

on a brighter note for the whole night, i've heard here and there that they might be putting me upstairs to do some programming. if that is the case, i might stay longer. i'll have to see how this plays out if it's true. but other than that, the night has been shitty. i am feeling pure hatred pulsing through my veins right now, and it's getting hard to ignore this feeling of hate for him. it is going to take every ounce of will power tomorrow to talk with him calmly about friday. i honestly just want to murder him right now.